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I am an Emotional Manifestor. 6/2 Profile. Cross of Separation – 5 years in Human Design experiment – Deconditioning.
The first year I met Human Design, I remember feeling in love and that I was saved! The knowledge and its accuracy touched my heart deeply and reached every cell in my body. I had three professional readings where I got the basic foundation of my design. While day and night, I was listening to audios, watching videos, and taking in whatever I could.
At that time I had a generator partner, which funny enough almost completed all my undefined centers! I informed him that we could not share a bed any longer. I also explained to him how I’m here to initiate, so I would try not to respond and to be spontaneous from now on because otherwise, it would simply be unhealthy for me.
Slowly, our relationship transformed until we met only when I initiated something. I remember I told him “if you need to be with another girl, go ahead. I cannot give you what you need, and I cannot be available for you as you need.” While saying it I remember crying like hell! Crying out of relief; crying out of the pain that now was released. The mind screamed and the body smiled.
I talked to my parents as well, and I told them about Human Design. I explained to them what it meant for me to be a Manifestor. They didn’t understand what I was doing or what I was talking about. My speech back then was cold and mechanical, and I guess it was hard to understand for people not in the experiment. Although my experiment led to some inner conflicts within the family, I kept loyal to my path. I had no choice, and I knew this process was way bigger than me. In the first year, I saw everything through Human Design eyes. I was breathing it, and I wanted to talk with everybody about it. I wanted everybody to understand how great it is.
Every single day was a completely new discovery. Don’t get me wrong! It was not nice or calm in any way. All the anger was rising to the surface, as well the tiredness of the body. Seeing the body, that is controlled by the mind, and how it suffers immensely. The wish to be alone. The conflict between the inner and outer world.
After half a year I met my guide, who helped me to ground my frequency within the body and to understand that none of it is mental. That no matter what I know actually matters, it’s actually how I live and let go of control. It takes time anyway! We met regularly for one-on-one sessions, and I became a Living Human Design Guide under his teachings. I’m so grateful to have met him, and to follow him until I felt confident within myself. In my view, the wisdom of human interaction cannot be replaced by any book or audio!
The mind made me chase after more and more Human Design material, with knowledge, it is obvious now, that I could not take in half of it! Because my body still is very so condensed and the knowledge could not stay at that level of embodiment. It was at this time I started to record my process and share videos on YouTube (some of the first videos are still there online). I had no one to talk to about my process except my guide, and I felt I needed an outlet of expression about what was happening to me, which was so meaningful, painful, lonely, and extremely right for me.
In the second year of the Human Design experiment, I met my ex-partner, an Ego Manifestor. Back then, I was living in Europe, and he was living in Israel. We both were in the experiment, studying, and being curious about the mechanics. It felt like two souls that finally met in the body, we could talk for hours about our experience, about what we discovered, and what we observed around us. I felt like I found a partner in this journey who could understand and relate to this way of life. We moved in together and lived in Europe. I realized, looking back, that all the things were examined in real-life, true relationships through constant human interaction. I was not alone anymore and I could not hide anymore. I was constantly exposed!
We talked day and night about Human Design. I wish I could record all the beautiful insights that we had together, all the depth, and all the brilliant perspectives that we talked to each other about this year.I was inspired to see how we created our own Human Design language, and Human Design perspective on daily life events. I’m so grateful to have had this time of expression, of hearing myself talking freely, expressing my Manifestor flow, and allowing my Manifestor partner to do the same, to perform, for me, his beautiful song.
Being in love with him evoked so much pain within me, and all the anger that I thought that I could hide came to the surface right away! I understood that no matter what I know about Human Design, it could not save me from dealing with my deepest fears and pain of the past, and all the traumas I accumulated while not being myself.
All of my wounds opened. I was crying, screaming, falling apart over and over again. The mind could not understand why I would stay in this relationship, and the body knew that there is still a long way together. Once I allowed myself to love myself through the path of Human Design, to love another being, I could see that love only asks to heal. I could see the mind’s stories all the time, and how they pushed me to action; how the mind is always putting everything out there on the other, blaming, shaming myself and the other.
It was one of the most difficult years in my life, I loved and hated with such power. I met my extremities, and I died so many times. The mind wanted to keep control but I could not, the love kept pulling me up on my fit, the body kept on bringing me back to my track, although the mind insisted and argued and wanted to organize and rule every aspect of my life! It was a constant war! Fight for purpose!
Once again I realized, there is absolutely no choice, and that struggle between the mind and the body just becomes more and more evident. At the end of this year, my partner and I moved together to Israel, both tired. Now I know that only an Ego Manifestor, with his special design, could bring me back home after so many years of isolation, loneliness, and seeking for answers outside of me. His energy brought me to my homeland, to my parents, to my language. I see now that only a man that has the same energetic power that I have could show me that I’m worthy of love, to embrace my Manifestor side, to reflect me that my sweet inner child could heal, to feel that I am a longer stranger, that my heart can open, that I can be a part and still be me.
The third year of the Human Design experiment was a year of recovery. I had all my wounds opened, and I felt like I was bleeding. My partner and I lived separately, so we could both have some space and some quiet, after a very intense year together. In this year I reached out for therapy, and the therapist gave space to all the emotions and pain coming out of the undefined centers. From all the years I could not be me, that I didn’t know what it meant to be me, I spoke about anger and loneliness.
I knew I had my Inner Authority, so I was not afraid to receive an outside perspective. Actually, I was glad to not only speak the Human Design language. And I felt there was no need for me to communicate only through Human Design mechanics anymore. I know I can speak it and this is enough for me. I stopped talking about Human Design with most people, and only with people who are already into it or they wanted to hear about it from me.
This year I started to connect with two people who are teaching living and transmitting Human Design in Israel. It was beautiful to meet more people that were experimenting and to get to know them through the body. I realized that although two people or more life and teach Human Design, it does not mean that we will connect or fit each other. The fractal line is way more complex than just the common ground of knowledge.This year I let go completely of dance teaching, which was something that I had been doing for the last 4 years. All my life has been dedicated to dance and movement so far. I kept on meeting more and more Manifestors for one-on-one sessions until I realized it’s time for me to initiate my first Living Your Design course for Manifestors! And so I did.
I met 13 beautiful Manifestors from all over the world who were willing and curious to meet up together and to learn the basics of Human Design and dive deeper into their experiment, I am in touch with most of them until today. At the end of this year, my partner and I moved in together once again. We were ready once again to dive into a more intimate daily encounter, and we did everything we could to prepare us for safe, solid ground, like building a nest on the physical and emotional planes.
The fourth year of the Human Design experiment was a mixed feeling year for me. On one hand, I felt like the process of coming home to Israel was completed. I spent days at home resting and creating. My relationship with my partner had the right conditions to grow, I kept on teaching Human Design and meeting people for private sessions, but something in me asked for a deeper change again, I was not sure what it was?
I started two Human Design collaborations as I wanted to work with others and build a little cozy supportive community, one of them I left at the early development of the project, and the other one last for a couple of months and I had to let go because finally, I could grasp what it means to be a Manifestor, and how much impact I have, therefore how much responsibility I have. I understood through the hard way that I can’t, or want to initiate any large project before I know how to lead myself constantly and know how to navigate my own energy with grace. It was a painful great lesson that showed once again that Human Design is not at all about what I know, it is about how I behave, and it takes time and dedication until fundamental behavior changes, therefore I have to be patient, although it is hard for the mind!
A bit before my partner and I started to build up rutin and create roots where we live, the global pandemic came, and I felt the inner calling for self-confirmation and inner confidence even stronger, there was no outer frame to support or provide trust, all I had was my inner authority. I understood that I needed to dive into the deep pain and suffering that I experience on a daily basis, as the outer chaos was just reflecting on my inner chaos, I saw how much ignorance there is still within, and as well in my intimate relationship. I wanted to meet and to touch deeply the wounded child within me, I didn’t know how to do so? How to change from the source? but the call was there.
I started to go to an energetic healer and after half a year with her, my partner and I broke up. We had 3 years of extreme transformation in a very fast time, we were 2 powerful, stubborn Manifestors, that had much in common but also different ways to walk. Then I realized how hard it is, to start the path of Human Design deconditioning and cultivate an intimate relationship at the same time, my body could not hold the amount of new information and be healthy at the same time. I am grateful that I learned what I am really capable of, and what I am not, how the mind wants things to be, and what the body really needs.
I moved to the small little village where I grew up. I felt like I needed to be close to family, to be supported, and have quiet. I also was asking to meet my core patterns that cause suffering in my intimate relationship and find the way to my inner home. During that year, I went to all kinds of emotional, physical, energetic amazing healers that supported me and guided me to feel the deeper layers of my body and to come to the beautiful, light, love the energy that I am over and over again. I needed to dedicate all of my resources to healing Because I was broken, tired, as so many things in my life changed since I met Human Design, inside out I had to take time to digest it all, to give space to have discovered. I kept the Human Design teaching on a low fire now, because I had no motivation and energy to lead, and also I needed to let go of everything I believe in, so I could feel ME – with no extra explanation, so saying also goodbye to Human Design was a way to see what is real to me? And what are just a pattern and another way of mind to show me that I am worthy of love because of it?
Ending this year showed me many new faces of what it means to live my design, and I have collected many tools and approaches to meet my body. I feel many things were left behind too, and the way I see and live Human Design is way more clear and clean to me. Now I see Human Design as my personal initiator to the deep healing process of the self, it is the door opening, and at the end of this year, that was stormy and challenging I could feel that a very thick layer was removed, and something very subtle and gently started to show up, it is happening very slowly, and it is still fragile and vulnerable, feeling like a newborn. So now I make sure to keep the right conditions in order to allow the healing process to continue, to expand in its time. I learned that self-care is the only ground for self-love, and it needs to take shape in all aspects of life, and all the time, I learned to use my willpower to take care of what my body and soul really needs before anything else. Now, finally, I feel the patience not to skip steps on the way of progress, and knowing that I have to pay a very big price if I happen to listen to the mind.I am proud of myself for not giving up surrendering time after time to an unexplainable force that is calling me for self-love.
Starting a new year…
I know it is a seven-year cycle, a seven-year cycle. I can see the difference, and how many things have changed for me. Year after year I am getting a new meaning, and a new layer of embodiment, that only time can expose. Only life trajectory can expose. There is no choice. I never did this process, the process did me, and it still is.
I did not choose Human Design, it took me, it ripped me apart, and it’s building me up again, time after time, while I am just watching all of it happen. Yes, I use the word “I” in order to communicate the story to you, but every time it is just more obvious that there is no “I” in all of it there is just the process that is being observed.
Let’s see where life will lead me?
I wish you all good luck on your journey, patience with where you are, kindness in your heart, love for everything that comes your way, the recognition that only time will expose the unfolding story of life through you.
So what happens when a friend of mine, mother, daughter, partner comes to me with an emotional crisis? When I say emotional crisis I mean this very condensed frequency that is expressing:” Ugh everything is falling apart, I feel pain, I feel awful pain, I don’t see the good anymore, it’s so dark in here and it’s horrible I don’t want to live with that and I am so condensed!” Or What happens when I feel this kind of frequency?
In my view, this situation is asking me just to listen and to make space in my body for that frequency. Emotional crisis It is not an easy frequency to contain, so I want not to try to fix this person, and not try to rationalize what is happening to this person. Not try to control or make sense of this pain; it is only emotional pain.
I have this gate 36, in the red so it is part of my design, it is part of the collective abstract stream, so sometimes it needs to share the crisis with others. So when it is lighting up I let myself or another person share the crisis, to release through words the baggage.
If I see it is too much for me, if I see it’s too heavy right now to hold space, I find a kind way to say it:” I see you are in pain now, I would like to give it space when I am available / I see that I am not able to be here for you right now, I am sending you to love and support/ I feel you are having a hard time, it sounds very painful, I am sorry but I can’t be there for you right now, I let you know when I am”.
What is happening in that moment of “ break down: is just me experiencing an emotional crisis after a new experience I had. I’m always like this, I enter a new emotional experience, it can be beautiful, amazing, thoughtful, hard, challenging or whatever it is, then the experience is over and I fall. I fall off the cliff, the chemistry droops, I feel deeply emotional. Emotionally drained into this crisis. It is just a chemical reaction in the body.
I feel that what I need is from myself and the others not to be scared from the “negativity” and condense emotion I feel. What can be helpful when I am in this situation is to actually verbalize to me what is happening from a calm perspective:” I see you are in pain, I see you are frustrated and sad, I see it feels like storm and crises to you right now.. Would you like to share what you feel? How is it? ….Thank you for sharing it with me”, basically using mirroring and reflection words.
It is better not to try to make sense of this crisis, and to try to see the good side right now. Because It is not a logic gate or frequency. It is an abstract frequency. The crises can come also after an experience that was amazing and “good” but the emotional depth of the emotional being is to see the dark side in any beautiful side of this life as well. If I take the pain and the dark side from the emotional being then I take the depth from this life. I DO NOT want to take the depth from this life, I really don’t want that because then everything will be super flat and boring.
So dealing with a crisis is allowing the crisis to be, letting the person share its feeling, massy as they are, echoing to the person what it feels. Not trying to change the situation and especially giving it time because it’s emotional and its collective frequency. It needs time in order to verbalize and feel over and over again, in order to look at the crisis from different perspectives, Sampling the “Story” thorough this and that, before and after, inside and outside, you and me until the crisis comes into completion through the time when the chemistry changes again.
I believe we are all experiencing emotional crises in that way or another, or having around us people who have them, not just emotional beings so I guess we can all benefit from contemplation on this subject, asking what will be the best way to deal with that? To make it space? To allow it to be entirely?
I wonder how we can be there for each other in moments of emotional crises? that life is always providing us.
Luckily life is never boring and we have breaking points and in my experience, they are part of the beauty of being alive, and I am here to live not only to experience the “positive” emotions but also the “negative” emotions, knowing that both of them create depth and showing me the range of colors of what it actually means to be alive.